Thursday, January 23, 2014
Where it all started, might as well
Hello World
Life hasn't been easy this past week, and I kind of feel the need to vent. You ok with that internet? You sure? Ok, here it goes:
So, Dan and I have been having issues lately. He basically said that I was being distant during some times and not others, and acting weirdly around him at other times. And honestly, I have no idea what he is talking about. I haven't exactly been chipper, but thats not out of the ordinary. HE tells me things that I have done, things I have no recollection of, that frankly doesn't sound like anything I have done. I feel that the fact that he let me stay at his place, and that my coughing is still bad, is just getting on his nerves. So, I have moved back into my place.
Listen, it's not like Dan and I aren't friends or anything, he is honestly the closest person I have. He has helped me with so much, dealing with school and surviving life in general.
I guess I should say why he made me start the blog. I... have always dealt with the hand that life gave me and tried to make the best of it. I get it: life isn't fair. But, just a couple months ago, I started waking up with cuts on my arms. Scratches, made by nails, but done repeatedly. I thought that it might be my imagination, but there was so much blood. I freaked out, thinking someone had broken in and done this, until I realized that I was the one making the cuts. No, I don't remember making them, I must have made them in my sleep. So I cut my nails, put on gloves, and so forth. But the next day, I would find a freaking knife on my bedside table, and the mark made with it.
I talked to Dan about it, and he said I had to go to the doctor (which I told him I couldn't exactly afford, being a college student and all). Dan said he had a friend, a senior year psych major. His psychologist friend couldn't find anything wrong, perhaps some childhood trauma was haunting me. So he said to release my stress and fear out on this blog, and Dan made the account.
I still find the marks, every morning. They don't even try to scab over. I feel like I should know why the symbol is being carved into me. But how can I stop it when I will only use other means to achieve it? I don't cut, I am not depressed. I hope.
But I will admit to being increasingly paranoid. Hah, one more to add to that laundry list. When I was at Dan's, that person kept showing up in the park, and I noticed he wasn't walking. He was pacing, and kept looking up at the building. And the trees seemed to close in on that man. He would leave, though, and run the other direction. Can't tell you why. Police officer?
I hope that tonight I will sleep soundly in my own bed. I'm sick of all this weird shit happening to me. Why does this have to always happen to me?
Thanks for listening internet to a poor little girl's problems
Peace
Life hasn't been easy this past week, and I kind of feel the need to vent. You ok with that internet? You sure? Ok, here it goes:
So, Dan and I have been having issues lately. He basically said that I was being distant during some times and not others, and acting weirdly around him at other times. And honestly, I have no idea what he is talking about. I haven't exactly been chipper, but thats not out of the ordinary. HE tells me things that I have done, things I have no recollection of, that frankly doesn't sound like anything I have done. I feel that the fact that he let me stay at his place, and that my coughing is still bad, is just getting on his nerves. So, I have moved back into my place.
Listen, it's not like Dan and I aren't friends or anything, he is honestly the closest person I have. He has helped me with so much, dealing with school and surviving life in general.
I guess I should say why he made me start the blog. I... have always dealt with the hand that life gave me and tried to make the best of it. I get it: life isn't fair. But, just a couple months ago, I started waking up with cuts on my arms. Scratches, made by nails, but done repeatedly. I thought that it might be my imagination, but there was so much blood. I freaked out, thinking someone had broken in and done this, until I realized that I was the one making the cuts. No, I don't remember making them, I must have made them in my sleep. So I cut my nails, put on gloves, and so forth. But the next day, I would find a freaking knife on my bedside table, and the mark made with it.
I talked to Dan about it, and he said I had to go to the doctor (which I told him I couldn't exactly afford, being a college student and all). Dan said he had a friend, a senior year psych major. His psychologist friend couldn't find anything wrong, perhaps some childhood trauma was haunting me. So he said to release my stress and fear out on this blog, and Dan made the account.
I still find the marks, every morning. They don't even try to scab over. I feel like I should know why the symbol is being carved into me. But how can I stop it when I will only use other means to achieve it? I don't cut, I am not depressed. I hope.
But I will admit to being increasingly paranoid. Hah, one more to add to that laundry list. When I was at Dan's, that person kept showing up in the park, and I noticed he wasn't walking. He was pacing, and kept looking up at the building. And the trees seemed to close in on that man. He would leave, though, and run the other direction. Can't tell you why. Police officer?
I hope that tonight I will sleep soundly in my own bed. I'm sick of all this weird shit happening to me. Why does this have to always happen to me?
Thanks for listening internet to a poor little girl's problems
Peace
Friday, January 17, 2014
Just bored
hi world
Lately, I have been doing the same, the cough getting a little bit better but not really. I guess I have become accustomed to it. But honestly, I need to be able to get back to classes at some point. Dan has been really supportive of me, and Mona visits sometimes. Her being a pre-med student doesn't allow her for having a lot of time.
Just being alone all day has made me paranoid. I keep thinking I hear noises in Dan's apartment, or that something is in the park next door. And there always seems to be someone in the park. Can't tell you why they are there at like 3 am, but hey if you gotta walk the dog you gotta walk the dog.
Wish I could just sleep in peace. Again, any suggestions?
Peace
Just being alone all day has made me paranoid. I keep thinking I hear noises in Dan's apartment, or that something is in the park next door. And there always seems to be someone in the park. Can't tell you why they are there at like 3 am, but hey if you gotta walk the dog you gotta walk the dog.
Wish I could just sleep in peace. Again, any suggestions?
Peace
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Because I finally got wifi
Hello world
Nice to be out of the land of the dead and be in the one of the living. I mean that I have been in the hospital, and I didn't have any wifi at the clinic. Basically, the cough got so bad that I was not only coughing up blood, but I passed out on my way to a lecture. Thankfully, Dan was able to bring me to hospital after finding me passed out on the stairs. The doctors have no idea of why I have the cough, and it honestly scared me. They took some blood work, but they don't think it will show anything. They released me, but I am still coughing pretty hard. They think it might be because of stress, but honestly, school isn't that hard.
I have tried everything. And it's not like I have money for insurance, so I had to spend a lot of my savings from my dad's life insurance, which I was saving for tuition. Dan's letting me stay with him, but honestly I need to get back to going to class. And I can't sleep anymore.
At least the weather here hasn't been that bad. A little cold, which doesn't help my cough, but not like anything on the east coast. The nice thing about Dan's apartment is that it has a lot of trees around it, unlike my concrete block of a dorm. It's nice to look outside at the birds and people in the park next to it.
I have been playing Dan's ukulele when he is at classes and I am bored with computer games and studying. Maybe I will upload a tutorial to some songs that I have learned to youtube. I'm not that interesting to be honest, I don't think anyone will see them. Oh well, maybe leave a comment if you wanna see something. Can you do that with blogs? And maybe some advice on why I might be coughing so much?
Peace
Nice to be out of the land of the dead and be in the one of the living. I mean that I have been in the hospital, and I didn't have any wifi at the clinic. Basically, the cough got so bad that I was not only coughing up blood, but I passed out on my way to a lecture. Thankfully, Dan was able to bring me to hospital after finding me passed out on the stairs. The doctors have no idea of why I have the cough, and it honestly scared me. They took some blood work, but they don't think it will show anything. They released me, but I am still coughing pretty hard. They think it might be because of stress, but honestly, school isn't that hard.
I have tried everything. And it's not like I have money for insurance, so I had to spend a lot of my savings from my dad's life insurance, which I was saving for tuition. Dan's letting me stay with him, but honestly I need to get back to going to class. And I can't sleep anymore.
At least the weather here hasn't been that bad. A little cold, which doesn't help my cough, but not like anything on the east coast. The nice thing about Dan's apartment is that it has a lot of trees around it, unlike my concrete block of a dorm. It's nice to look outside at the birds and people in the park next to it.
I have been playing Dan's ukulele when he is at classes and I am bored with computer games and studying. Maybe I will upload a tutorial to some songs that I have learned to youtube. I'm not that interesting to be honest, I don't think anyone will see them. Oh well, maybe leave a comment if you wanna see something. Can you do that with blogs? And maybe some advice on why I might be coughing so much?
Peace
Thursday, January 2, 2014
I guess I am really doing thing, aren't I
Hello World
So, yes, my friend Dan is still making write this blog. Whoop-di-frickin-do. Not much has happened in the last week. I got a haircut, went shopping, and tried to do some homework before the next term starts.
Most of my friends are out of town, except for Dan and Mona. I stayed in town at Mona's house along with Dan. I got Dan and Mona both Nerf guns, which they freaked out about, and we plan on having intermediate wars. Mona kitted me a camo beanie, which is so cool looking. Dan got me a new camera, which I don't think I will use, but its pretty awesome. Its warm here, it doesn't really feel like winter, but thats just a perk of living in SoCal.
I have been developing a nasty cough though, and it really sucks because it hurts to even breathe. I don't really want to go to the doctor, I think its just a viral thing anyways. Anyone know how to get rid of a bad cough, lemme know. I have been drinking tea and wearing scarves looking like a fool, but its not getting any better.
It is... nice to have somewhere to write down this sort of stuff, (yeah yeah yeah Dan I hear you), and with the new term I don't think it will be hard to update.
So, yes, my friend Dan is still making write this blog. Whoop-di-frickin-do. Not much has happened in the last week. I got a haircut, went shopping, and tried to do some homework before the next term starts.
Most of my friends are out of town, except for Dan and Mona. I stayed in town at Mona's house along with Dan. I got Dan and Mona both Nerf guns, which they freaked out about, and we plan on having intermediate wars. Mona kitted me a camo beanie, which is so cool looking. Dan got me a new camera, which I don't think I will use, but its pretty awesome. Its warm here, it doesn't really feel like winter, but thats just a perk of living in SoCal.
I have been developing a nasty cough though, and it really sucks because it hurts to even breathe. I don't really want to go to the doctor, I think its just a viral thing anyways. Anyone know how to get rid of a bad cough, lemme know. I have been drinking tea and wearing scarves looking like a fool, but its not getting any better.
It is... nice to have somewhere to write down this sort of stuff, (yeah yeah yeah Dan I hear you), and with the new term I don't think it will be hard to update.
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